The Hatred in Loneliness

Last night as I was lying on my bed looking for something to listen to before I fell asleep, I stumbled upon this podcast called The Mental Illness Happy Hour.

Having looked at the description of the podcast and browsed their episodes, I decided to download one that talks about loneliness.

The host read some of the messages sent by the listeners in regards to loneliness. These messages were so graphic, it was hard for me not to be responsive upon hearing them.

"I feel terrified, petrified in my loneliness -- abandoned like I could die right here in my big empty apartment and nobody would even know until the neighbours started complaining about the smell."

"I just feel like the worst person in the world when I tell (my best friend) how I feel because I feel like I am dragging her down with me even if when she insists she wants to be there for me."

"I can only hate myself that much more for being this great big black hole, sucking the life, energy and happiness out of everyone and everything around me -- and then I feel like a self-centred f*ck for thinking that I could make that much of an impression or dent in someone else's life, when really I'm just a pathetic, inconsequential waste of space."

"I feel sad, lonely... I am supposed to feel good for being single and "free", but I feel lonely... and worry that nobody would ever truly love me without my having to pretend I am someone else."

I am very thankful that I can personally relate to many of these messages, and for them to have the audacity to share these feeling of theirs to seek help, knowing full well that their stories are very much subject to more hatred and isolation.

If you are interested in listening to this podcast, visit http://mentalpod.libsyn.com/

Giving With Attitude. And Some.

We know that December is known as the season of giving. And as much as we would love to give, we need to really understand and be mindful of the things that make the gifts worth giving.

1. What is my attitude?

I have never been a fan of gift giving, especially when it comes to Kris Kringle and when I pick out a name whose name is longer than the amount of time I have ever spent with him or her.

Of course, I can always drag myself to the store and buy the first affordable thing I saw at the store and get it over and done with. Or, I can really put the right attitude into it and take my time to find out what that person really wants or needs, bearing in mind it might probably cost more than what it was agreed.

I know that some of you are Rule Nazis and would not go over even a single cent from the preset amount, but if I learned anything from the Kris Kringle I had at my old office, they really did not care about the rules. One even got the Limited Edition Collectors DVD Box Set worth hundreds of dollars that the person actually liked, even when it was supposed to only be a $30 Kris Kringle. They were willing to extend the rules and gave extravagantly just to make a person happy.

 

2. What is my motivation?

In December, a lot of us would probably give to people whom we would not normally give. Many would even go and donate to charity organisations and to others who we do not personally know but are less fortunate than us.

So we give them presents. We give them money. But do we really give them our hearts?

Those who are blessed with resources will find it easy to spend in order to give others. But do not let this privilege voids us into giving with the right motivation: love and compassion.

I often question myself whenever I give to someone I do not know: do I do this just to satisfy my obligation as a sensible person? Or is it only to make me feel better about myself? Have I, knowingly or unknowingly, severed the emotional connection that is critical in the process of giving?

Also, sometimes it is a lot easier to give someone we don't know or will never going to meet again. We do not have to pay the emotional price implied in the cost of gift giving. But then to not pay this proce would be such a shame.

December is a time to give. It is also a time to celebrate. So let us celebrate by giving with the right motive and attitude. Let our mind rest, knowing the fact that our gifts produce something real and meaningful. And with that, let us carry on this lesson further beyond December and into every single giving opportunity we have in the future.

Enjoy giving!

When He Speaks

It is quite rare that things just seem to align together with me being fully aware of it.

Last night I had a dream of meeting my previous employer and his business partner. Just so you know, I had hard feelings towards them in the way they treated their employees, and when I saw them I was going through a big transition in my life, so it felt like a very big let down.

I could still feel my sense of anger in that dream, but to my surprise we were having conversation about work and it felt like everything was OK -- and I left that room thinking that everything was fine.

When I woke up, I saw a message from an old friend of mine. We were friends for a long time before things got really heated as I hopelessly made him my punch bag during my depression days and he just couldn't take it anymore so he decided to call it quits and so I agreed.

I did say sorry numerous times to him, but deep down in my life I could still feel the scars of rejection and also the failures for treating my friend with such disrespect.

I opened the message. It was sent at 5:29am in the morning. He wishes that things are OK with me, and he took a picture of a mug that has been used for soup. That was the very mug I gave him on our last Christmas together.

I can't help but thanking the Lord at that second as I really took it as an apology received since I haven't heard from him for months after I last texted him.

During my morning devotion, the bible struck me with this verse:

"You shall give to him freely, and your heart shall not be grudging when you give to him, because for this the Lord your God will bless you in all your work and in all that you undertake."(Deuteronomy 15:10 ESV)

I was very grateful that at the very moment He classified these things I have been feeling as "grudges", He also gave me the strengths and the avenue to make it all better.

It really made my day and I once more understand that "nothing is wasted --- (that He makes) all things for good." (Nothing is Wasted - Elevation Worship)

The art of hurting

Today, for the first time after a long time, I have finally received a parking ticket. I am usually very anal when it comes to parking, and have always tried to follow the rules of the trade. But somehow, today seemed like an exception.

What makes me more irritated was the fact that the parking ranger was 10 steps away from my car, literally seconds after he put the infringement notice on my windshield.

I am only human. Once in a while I get tired, and when I do, I put my guard down and things happen. And when things happen, we feel powerless and all we can do is appeal for grace to make them all go away.

A lot of times we try to make sense of things right then and there to cheer ourselves up into thinking that there should be a silver lining into this thing that happens to us and we must figure it out now. Although sometimes it can be true, other times that is not simply the simple case.

Things take time to mature. It might take a week or a month for things to make sense, or it might take a year or a decade or even a lifetime (or a generation) before realising that things work out together for good.

I think we can only trust our faith and say to ourselves that even though we might not make sense of things now, it will make sense later, eventually. I believe there is no other option, because without faith it is impossible to please Him.

Don't Shoot The Messenger

The orange season is starting, and I, being a fan of this natural source of Vitamin C decided to buy some imperial mandarins -- the one-of-a-kind member of the orange family that is easy to peel and doesn't create too much mess.

So I went to my local store a few weeks ago and bought a few. They were so sweet, I decided to go back to the same store over and over again, thinking that they would keep stocking the same, if not better, quality imperial mandarins. I did browse around trying to find them at lower price, but for some reason my heart always goes back to my local store.

I bought another kilogram of imperial mandarins today. At my local store. As of 5 minutes ago I have jut consumed two of them; and to my surprise, they weren't as sweet and as juicy as the ones I bought earlier.

My mind immediately said to myself: my local store no longer stocks up good oranges. I now have to search for new stores that will give me sweet imperial mandarins.

I paused for a few seconds. Then I replied to myself (in my mind): why do you blame your local store for the oranges that they sell? Isn't it just an intermediary who doesn't have no control over how sweet or how juicy the oranges will be?

I have encountered a lot of real-life scenarios around me where people leave the church they have grown fond of for many years of their lives simply because they were having a "rough season" with God. Frustrations got the best of them, and they began blaming the church, who are simply a messenger, for making them experiencing the season they were in. Before long, they left the church and went to another church, thinking that everything would be alright from then on.

It is very easy for us to blame those who are close to us, and make them our scapegoats. However, if we really want to get to the root cause of it, we should really take it up on God and not our church. Talk to him, get close to him, and get him to reveal his plans in our lives.

Don't shoot the messenger.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Phillipians 4:6-7)

Living under borrowed 'light'

Today on the news was the cancellation of Lady Gaga's concert in Indonesia after threats from muslims in the country opposing Lady Gaga's widely known explicit values(1).

It got me thinking: where were the Christians in the story? And why did not this uproar also happen in Christian-based countries? Shouldn't they have shared the same values in opposing the entertainment with declining social and moral values?

Have the believers become lazy? Have they finally taken the idea of "hate the sin, love the sinner" a few steps too far and forget to stand up to what they believe in? Have they finally sinked into an excuse that Jesus could have stopped it if he wanted to and therefore they don't have to do anything else to prevent it?

Have we been living under borrowed 'light' of other people instead of shining our own light? Have we fooled ourselves into thinking that the idea of "faith without action is useless" doesn't apply to a circumstance like this? Is it wrong to "overturn the tables" just like Jesus did with those of moneychangers on the temple courts(2)?

I am drawn to Jesus' words in Matthew 24: "At (the end of age) many will turn away from the faith... and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people. Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold."(3)

It is quick for us as believers to take these verses and say that it is just part of the sign of the end times when any of these degradations of godly values appear. However, most of us fail to reflect on a verse right above these verses: that we "will be hated by all nations because of (Jesus)."(4) Why should we not try to make this a reality? Why are we so afraid of being hated by others because of our love towards Him who love this world so much he was willing to pay it with His own blood?

Why can't we be bold? Have we skipped the next verse in the chapter which states that "the one who stands firm to the end will be saved"(5)? Or should we really say that this whole chapter is out of context in regards to the news?

Or can we answer these questions by saying that what we hear on the news was the results of our prayers? That God has answered our cry for holiness and sent other people to act on our behalf instead of calling his own children to do it? How confident can we draw this conclusion in an absence of concrete explanation?

Or to the contrary, am I merely a victim of the fast-paced world we live in and think that if we are to make an impact it has to be right here and right now? Has the idea of "instant results" polluted the arguments that I made for this case?

I can only utter more and more questions as it looks like I as believer for once have run out of excuses to answer all of them.

1) http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/music/lady-gaga-cancels-indonesia-concert-after-threats-from-islamic-hardliners/story-e6frfn09-1226368434793
2) Matthew 21:12
3) Matthew 24:10-12
4) Matthew 24:9
5) Matthew 24:13

Salt and Light Revisited

There have been many discussions, thoughts and ideas about salt and light, but the uncovering of salt and light from Pastor Frengky Utana was one great revelation that takes it to a whole new level.

Salt needs to come at the right amount in order for food to become delicious. When there is not enough salt in the food, people will quickly notice and say "there is not enough salt in this food". The same happens when there's too much salt in the food, in which they will say "there is too much salt in this food."

However, when applied at the right amount, the praise will go towards the food and the chef who cooks the food, but not the salt.

The same goes with light. People will immediately comment if the light is too dim or too bright, but when it is of the right brightness, the focus will not be on the light but rather on the subject that the light shines on.

Many believers have mistakenly led to believe that to become an impact to the world they live in, they have to be noticeable, and that they need to occupy the spotlight in order for the world to notice how great their God is.

Jesus suggested otherwise when he asked us to become salt and light. Our impact comes by applying ourselves on the world that needs our salt and light -- and when we apply it correctly, the acknowledgement will not be directed towards us but towards the world that God loved so much that we unreservedly gave his only Son.